Q: What happens if you put an Ox in a Ford? A: Some wrong buttons will get pressed!

By Jaideep Ghosh

DRS now has a new avatar. It goes, “Dammit! Right Selection!” ‘Selection’ being the choice of button. Which one to press?

Granted, it isn’t easy. After all, with so many figures to consider and churn out and calculate (7.2 overs, 0.5 overs, D/L scores, run rates). After such complicated mathematics, choosing one out of two buttons can be mind-numbing sometimes.

So often we have a situation where a batsman is run-out by a country mile, caught off the middle of the bat, or blocks the middle of middle-stump with his back foot (or is safe as houses, take your pick). The on-field umpire then leg-glances (or hand-signals) the hot potato to the TV guy, who peers at 35 different angles of the same thing and then, to the horror of the match referee, reaches for the wrong button!

The referee screams, “Galat jawab!” (‘wrong answer’ to the uninitiated) as in one hit Indian television programme, and asks for DRS. Great fun for all concerned, apart from the guy who gets the thick end of the decision.

Then there is the Indian skipper’s version of DRS – the Dhoni Rotation System (aka the Doddering Rambling Seniors). As far as the captain is concerned, some of these guys are slowing things up, so having three of them in the playing XI affects the speed of the team.

Of course, the fact that one of ‘his’ boys will have to sit out if all three play, has nothing to do with it.

There is also another version of this DRS. This one is for the captain’s personal use. Whenever MSD thinks he needs a break, he falls back on the Dhoni Rate System (over-rate, to be exact). While it is a no-no to be slow in the Rotation System, the Rate System works only if you are slow.

How? Simple. Just bowl your overs so slowly that the match referee fellow mentioned earlier has no choice to write him up for a ban. You get rest, seniors get slots, juniors get to play and no one gets to say you tanked the match. Perfect!

The ICC was always a great solicitor of the DRS and its officials are taking it to heart in all its corruptions. But to say that Indian cricket doesn’t want it is not true at all.

On the contrary, our boys have not only adopted it, but have come up with new, refined versions. Never underestimate Indian ingenuity – DRS, VRS, or plain Rs.